and another thing

It hasn't been one day since getting back into the swing of blogging and already I'm annoyed with the world. It's a wonder how I was able to take so much time off in the first place. Sure enough the world has continued to puzzle me. The people inhabiting this little marble throw me for a loop all the time. I sometimes hope that there isn't anything else in the universe, because by the time aliens make contact we're gonna look like a bunch of fools. How do we explain ourselves to others? To our children?Are we destroying the planet? When an ice shelf the size of Connecticut breaks off of Antarctica, should I conserve water? When a woman leaves her baby in the car so that she can go into a casino and gamble, what's in store for that kids future? Sure it's a strange way to think. Hypotheticals can be difficult. Except the casino thing, that really happened. When I used to smoke I wondered what I was going to say to my daughter when she got older. A week went by, then a month. I hadn't come up with anything yet. What do you say? We all know it's wrong, it's bad for you and honestly doesn't taste all that great. I couldn't think of anything....so I quit! I wasn't going to smoke in the car anyway. Or in front of her. Or in the house. Can't smoke in bars anymore. Where the fuck was going to do it? I couldn't think of a descent excuse on why I killing myself, so I quit. The other day I saw two women smoking in their car with a small child in the back. They had cracked the windows to "protect" the child, I guess. I couldn't help but think, "do they really think that the smoke won't go back there because the windows open an inch?" I wished that I could have sat in the car with them and farted. Yeah, that's right, you can smell it, even with the window cracked! Idiots.

The cover of Vogue magazine has been questioned for it's possible racist connotations. What the fuck? Racist? I sometimes think that when people can break down the background of everything, they are the racists. Some said that it is a depiction of King Kong. Because of the negative stereotype of comparing monkey's to black people, this must equal that Lebron James is a monkey. What? There's also a comment that because Lebron is gripping Gisele.....Brady, it shows an angry black man, I don't know, stealing a white super model? I'm not even sure which is funnier, but I do know that it's far from racist. Lets look at the facts. If every time that we saw a monkey we related it to black people wouldn't that make Planet of the Apes the most racist movie of all times. Even more so than Dumbo. Are they suggesting that Dian Fossey only wanted to date Afro-Americans? Curious George was only being pimped out by the man in the yellow hat? C'mon! For years all I've ever heard is how unrealistic Vogue magazine is, until now? Yeah I'm offended. A young millionaire with a basketball in one hand and beautiful woman in the other is a far-fetched dream, therefore insulting. What's next the quiz inside doesn't actually help me be a better lover, or the diet doesn't work. People, Antarctica is deteriorating, it's been snowing here for three months, and I don't have a real job, can we find something descent to be upset about. For christsake they have a service that will text message love advice for you for $1.00. The worlds falling to shit folks, focus.

And another thing.....Two days ago a prominent basketball player wrote comments on his blog about wanting to drive his car into a pole, or into the river and drown because he wasn't able to play in the game. His doctor felt that his injured knee wasn't healed enough. He said that he felt the same downward feelings, or depression that the rest of us have felt. Of course the car he was driving was probably more expensive than my house. Anyone who knows me knows that all I watch is sports and cartoons. They are the most realistic things on TV. I sometimes think that athletes forget that the rest of don't have the kind of money they have. He got the day off and was freaking out about it. At one point claiming that he would never play for Washington again. When was the last time YOU had to take the day off, got payed millions and had your own shoe? When was the last time YOU had to sit out from work and your biggest concern was what you had to wear while you watched? The so hard done by shit only works for the hard done by. Roger Clemens telling Congress that he feels that he is owed respect for all he's brought to the game. Wasn't he paid a ridiculous amount of money to do so? I hate my fucking job and can't quit, and these pricks live the dream and complain. Fuck off! Next time you feel suicidal, follow through, then you'll be famous forever! They'll retire you number for sure. Agent Zero our Hero.

And another thing, why do dudes want to fight? I don't get it. And not just because I don't know how to. I've worked in bars my whole life, so I've seen enough of them to think that I might know what to do......whatever. I don't want to. Ever! Sure I get upset, sure I want to get out of my car and punch out the guy tailgating me. But I don't. I don't want to get hit and I don't want to hit someone. I've also come to realize that women don't like it. Anyone that thinks that they're going to get some because their fighting, you're wrong. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that most fights happen because the hyped up bravado of the male isn't satisfied by a girl, therefore they must let out the aggression on a man. Very homoerotic. When I was young I didn't use, this bar has no skanks, as a reason to knuckle-up. It's a lack of confidence if you ask me. I don't know how to talk to girls, I'm with a bunch of guys, I feel awkward,...... that guy's looking at me funny. That's the best line. What are you looking at? Now if you are going to fight someone let me give you some advice. First of all leave the bar. Go around the corner. People don't actually do this because they don't want to fight and if you're in a crowd it will end fast. Argue, sucker punch, bouncers jump on your head, brag to friends. You'd be surprised how many people won't leave, because they're scared. Second, fight one on one. Don't jump one guy, don't gang up, face it like a man. Third, pull up your pants. I'm just going to step on the sagging crotch of you over sized pants and push you on your ass. If you want to emulate you favourite rapper, remember that's just an image. Your fake watch, ring, earrings, and iced up necklace is going to lose all those faux diamonds. Finally the basketball punch,( swing when subject isn't looking, then run backwards as far as possible) isn't going to work.

Yeah basketball has pissed me off this week!

Hello again

Wow. What a terrible couple of weeks off.

I know, I know, I've been slacking. I don't really have any excuse either. I mean I have been just as annoyed with everything, I just haven't found the time to write it down. Truthfully it has been the weather. If you live in the southern Ontario area, or close to it then you know what I'm talking about. Even today they've called for frost and snow and already March....something. It's ridiculous! I stopped shoveling my driveway about a month and a half ago. Mostly because I tore up my shoulder ripping the steering wheel out of my car. Some asshole ran a red light a while back and smashed right into me. The worst part was that it was ten in the morning and I was half asleep. Jack-ass! Meanwhile my neighbours are giving me stink eye for not doing it, but what can I do? Tam can't do it because she's too fat.....what? Oh yeah, she's pregnant. Great another kid to disrupt my XBOX time. She claims it's mine but we'll wait and see what Maury Povich has to say. I mean our first looks nothing like me.

See.

Then came my pitch to see if someone would like to produce my TV show for the food network. Good News!!!

They haven't returned my call. They say no news is good news.

Wait, who says that. Oh doctors. Great the baby's fine. Tams just ate my piece of Pizza!

That would be a good food network show, preggo's and their appetite!(patent pending)

Then came St.Patrick's day. There's no better way to celebrate the slaughter of St.Patrick then with a fist full of Irish Car Bombs! I work in an Irish pub so you can just imagine the fun I had. People drinking all day, not tipping, wanting free stuff, pretending to be Irish(which may or not be a good thing) You wonder if Irish population appreciates that everyone thinks of them as drunks and then emulates them on "their" day. What's next Having a screen door on a submarine on Polish day? Talk with our hands and say forgedaboutit on Italian day? Have a big parade in pink, with ass less chaps on gay pride? Wait scratch that last one. Tam's just made herself an ice cream cone and it's eleven in the morning!

People seem to think that no matter what kind of abuse you take, the money at the end of a bartending shift must be worth it. People helping themselves to change on the bar. Demanding free pints. Telling me that they' are Irish and therefore should be served first. Mocking me and my background while I'm serving them. Which is bull shit because I'm half Irish!! I just look Greek. It's not my fault. Maybe when I put tzatziki on everything that's my fault, but whatever. Is all the abuse, idiots and bullshit worth the money that we make as bartenders? Yes. Most of the time. But when it rains assholes, it pours quarters.

Easter. No better way to celebrate the beating, then death, then resurrection of Jesus, than with a giant bunny giving away chocolate. WTF. I've never really gotten it and I still don't. On the way to the "in-laws" I saw a a group of people carrying a giant cross down the street. The first thing I think is holy shit it's the KKK. Apparently it was just a church group. Still when you're a half black, half Irish guy in a small northern town, and people carrying a cross, you start drinking! Mostly because your Irish and that's apparently the way you deal. I could've sworn that I saw one of them with a jerry can of gas, but it may have been a purse. Whatever. Back to Jesus. If you got crucified and then reborn, wouldn't you consider that your birthday. I mean Christmas is fun but you came back to life! Where did the rabbit come from? I can't see the connection. Tam's is eating a chocolate bunny I traded her for her fun dip.

Remember Fun Dip!!

Finally the first day of spring came and went and nobody noticed, because everyone's freezing their balls off. All of those people that think that global warming is a joke are laughing loudly, but I think that they're being a little literal. I you think we aren't destroying the planet on a daily basis, then fire up you car in the garage and sit by the tail pipe. ( don't actually do that) It's earth month or something so do your part. Conserve energy by sitting in the dark, not bathing and recycling everything you can. I suggest living with a pregnant girl who will finish off all left over food.

No Tams, that chocolate still has the the foil on it......

P.S.- It would have been my Mother's 58th birthday this past week, so when you look up to the moon and smile, and she'll smile back. I miss you!