jerseys

I didn't make the rules, they've always been there. In the minds of everyone else in the room. There are specific things that you cannot do when owning a sports jersey. Now by the end of this you may have questions, you may think that I've left some things out, I know, I know. These are the basics. If you do not want to follow these simple rules then expect ridicule, laughter, and even rejection from the ladies. These are the rules people! I didn't make them, but I follow them strictly. I suggest you do the same.

These are in no particular order.

1) Wearing a jersey of any team during the off-season.

The exception comes if the team in question has just signed or resigned a major player. Or you are playing the sport in question with a group of friends. You CANNOT wear you Raiders jersey to the grocery store! There is nothing worse than seeing some dude representing his losing team while the actual players wouldn't admit who they play for.

2) Going to one sport and wearing a jersey from another.

There's an exception here that is very specific and difficult to uphold. If you go to a Mets game but NY Rangers are playing in a play-off game that night then it is okay. But that's the only exception. You CANNOT attend a hockey game in a baseball jersey.(especially in Canada)

You also CANNOT wear the jersey of a team that has been eliminated from playoff contention to a play-off game. (Leaf fans I'm looking at you!! I don't like the Senators either, but I'm not going to wear a pathetic Leaf jersey to the conference finals.)

3)Wearing a jersey on a non-game day

Why? Why would you? If they are not playing that day what the point? If this is you go shopping. You need more shirts? The exception is if your team won a playoff game\series and it is the next day. Nothing makes me happier then when I see the road worker sporting his colors after a series win.

4) wearing a soccer jersey for the sake of wearing a soccer jersey!

If the only guy you know is Rooney, not good enough.

5)Jumping on the band wagon

Okay so NOW you're a RED SOX fan. Stop it! It's embarassing. It okay to chose new teams to cheer for because your team has shit the bed, but it is not okay to become a fan of the best teams just so you come out a winner. It's lame. Jays fans were Rockies fans last year. You can't claim to know that the Giants were going to win the superbowl, unless you grew up in Queens and believed that every year. So don't make it worse by buying a jersey and start telling everyone that you always were a fan. YOU are a liar!

6) The tuxedo

Okay. You're a fan. You've loved them from back when they were terrible. Your Dad loved them, and passed it on to you back when you grew up in Kingston. This does NOT give you the right to wear a Lions shirt, sweater, scarf, jacket and hat. You look like a fucking idiot. You look like the mascot threw up on you. The players are embarassed for you! I get it you're the greatest fan of all time. You still look like an idiot.

7) The tuck

I don't know how else to say this. You CANNOT, (repeat) CANNOT tuck in your jersey. You can't. No exception. The only person that may tuck in one side of his jersey is Gretzky. Don't do it. Don't cinch up you belt on you acid wash jeans with your Flames jersey on. I can't say it enough. Don't do it!

I love sports. I have a closet full of jerseys, but I follow the rules( with the exception of my Sao Paulo jersey, because I don't know when they play). I've been to a lot of events and I'd have to Toronto is really bad at following these rules. At every Jays game there's some jackass yelling Go LEAFS go, or Argos! at a Bills game. There is also a large chunk of the young population that wearing matching hats and jerseys and jackets makes them look Gansta! But when you ask them who the White Sox are playing that day they look at you confused. What the Fuck!

"I just like the colors"

Just because rappers do it in their videos doesn't make it cool. They also throw money, and drive expensive cars. I didn't know that appreciation for an artist meant that you should dress up like them? I'm going to wear my Ziggy Stardust outfit to work. Did you know that the fad of hanging your pants down came from the California prison system? The convicts would drop their pants for a little play time( if you know what I mean) Wear your pants with pride kids! I don't think that you look tough, or cool, you look stupid. The jersey ain't helping.

So please, I beg you follow these rules. Although it will take away from the opportunity to make fun of you, I'll be okay. Rivalry is good, hating another team is awesome, but when you go too far you make it about you and not the game. Remember that saying, don't hate the player, hate the game! Well in this case hate the fan! Represent! I gotta go put on the jersey of my team that lost eight nothing last game. Now that's foolish, but it fits the rules*!

*-there are always exceptions to the rules