In Toronto...

The day after I've had too many drinks I suffer from a condition called "DeadHead". This means that I can complete the simplest tasks but really have no thoughts. It's not like being hungover, because there is no pain. Just emptiness. For example, everytime I drive through an intersection I check the rearview mirror to make sure that the light was green, only to look back at the road and realize I'm running the yellow on the next light. Thus begins the 2nd week in a row of not actually writing the thing I've been trying to write for a month. I digress...

Or should I say digest. Although I've been sculpting a smoking hot yoga body, I do have a lot of clay left over. Sure from the right angle I look better. But so few are going to staring at me from directly under my left foot. So during the "big game" I decide to eat the prototypical Superbowl food. Wings, pizza and an unnecessary amount of Jack Daniels. I had a pizza that literally had every possible dead animal on it, and enough cheese to back up an elephant. I feel great right now, and I've created a book shelf in the bathroom. The people last night were the usual football fan getting in the last meaningful game (for four months), and as if it were a monumental night, the debauchery was on. If you're a Packers fan or Steelers fan, for sure, act a fool. But if you're just gambling and getting drunk, you'd better make it to work today. Every Superbowl party I ever attended in Toronto was fun, but never out of control. Suburbia is a different beast. People here pre-drink their pre-drinks. I feel bad for our women, considering the types of events that we partake in, and expect it to be a get out of jail free situation.  Even when the wife and friends want to go out, they go the fucking ballet and have one too many chardonnay's. When I go to the pre-baseball, talk about the rules, afternoon luncheon, I drink 10 past my limit, then go to a different bar. When I get picked up the next morning with a severe case of deadhead, I wanna be forgiven because It was a baseball pool thingy. Oh and by the way, the entrance fee was 300$ and I spent 200$ at the bar. So, I try my best to be involved with the family a day after such, just because I'm positive I've used up all my excuses. If they want to put up with thirty something year old idiot for the day, what do I care. It is literally the least I could do.


We get such a bad reputation in Toronto, but look as the sports media in this town? It's the day after the SuperBowl and they're discussing the 3rd and 4th lines on the Toronto Maple Leafs. I'm sure we're next in line to have a NFL team. I mean, look how much we care. We're a fickle bunch in southern Ontario, and I'm not sure I understand why. Again I blame the weather. I also separate myself from the masses, but fear that I'm exactly the same! No, I 'm not. I was told the other day  I was a "snob, who thought they were better than everyone". It's been so long since I've been complimented. Around the country Toronto takes some heat for being pompous, rude, and disconnected  from the rest. What's great about being a Torontonian is being pompous, rude and disconnected. Sure there are times that you should check the pulse of a person laying face down in the street, just not if it's King street. Then that fucker is on his own. I've lived in a few parts of this great land and I've seen the feuds amongst cities. Calgary vs Vancouver. Montreal vs Quebec City. Toronto's real fight isn't with Ottawa(unfair fight, it sucks there) or the rest of Canada....it's with itself.

 Canada has such vast natural resources, and landscapes that almost every province and major metropolis is associated with a particular thing.
NFLD - icebergs, blisteringly cold weather, fishing, alcoholism
PEI - potatoes, eerily red dirt, you gotta pay to leave the island
NS - Keiths, entertaining bar fights
NB - lobster, over use of the word "eh"
QUE - English hating, Labatt 50 drinkers, Habs fans(possibly the most annoying hockey fans alive)
ONT - financial and economic capital, keepin up with the jones-ites, cottage country( sounds like a oleo spread)
MAN - I'll come back to this one
SASK - painfully flat farm land, painfully flat farm land, Painfully flat farm land
ALB - a shitload of oil, Banff, tonnes and tonnes of bars
BC - the Rockies, forestry, tonnes and tonnes of weed

Toronto is kind of a bi-polar personality. First, the people of Toronto almost don't count because the they aren't the people that call in radio shows, or write editorials in the paper, or complain about the idiosyncrasies of the local government. Those are the people of the GTA. When we open the Province newspaper and the lead story is the mayoral election of one city in Ontario what can we expect. It's not much of a surprise the rest of the people in this province hates us?  There were numerous elections, lots of different ridings, but what got TV airplay, newsprint...that Chris Farley look alike. Of course the people of tinytown are going to think Toronto is full of gangs, violence and apparently anybody can run for government. Second,  when these GTAers go on vacation, they say they're from Toronto. When they go to Vancouver and complain that the Leaf game should be on, or Moncton and start every sentence with, "well, in Toronto", they give the good people of T-DOT a bad rap. I mean look at this blog, I don't live in Toronto anymore, but I feel entitled to voice my opinion. I'm the asshole I just warned you about!!

But the truth is I still feel more like a Torontonian then a suburbanite. Sure it's been a few years. Sometimes I drive past my old place, see the neighborhood. Please remember that actual Torontonians are too self-centered to be the person you think is being rude to you. If you visit, ask for directions and people ignore you, it's because they're from Mississauga and they don't know their way either. A Torontonian wouldn't ignore you, they just would lift their head in time to realize you're talking to them...iphone bitches!