Love....is a curious thing

Every year I find myself at a bit of loss when it comes to certain "holiday's". I know you're thinking, what's with  the the air quotes? So many of these important days, or momentous situations throughout the year have been spent working, I'm not sure they have any value for me anymore. I've worked every New Years eve in over a decade, Easter, Labor day, even the popular Ontario slang May 24. I realize that greed and an excessive lifestyle have created this scenario, but I've always been okay with it. I mean, that's when people want to go out and spend money on themselves or each other. The only exception has been St Patrick's Day, but I'll work that day too. As a half Irish man this upsets some, but I'm also half Caribbean and was adopted into a Ukrainian house.
When half and half day exists (and god willing it will) I will drink rum, Guinness and pierogi, but I'll probably still work that day.

Valentines Day is kind of a funny one. Sure it's nice that corporations created a multifaceted love fest in order to sell you a shit load of heart shaped boxes. Last years chocolate repackaged for your special person. That white flaky residue all over the inside of a that shiny red and silver foil. Little cute hearts with printed sayings that induce oohs and ahhs from teenage girls. Toblerone bars the size of my two year old, and Hallmark cards that say exactly what you feel, but can't put into words. You can recite the entire Dumb & Dumber movie, and know Neil Peart's air drum solo perfect, but can't string three words together to let your girlfriend of five years know how you feel. (Is there a hockey game on tonight?) The best part about this day is that you'd have to go out of your way to not remember it. It's fucking everywhere. The mall, the corner store, the gas station. Then, at about 11am  you'll think I should make reservations at the restaurant and then realize they don't take them, and you should've done this a month ago!! In the middle of your plea/bitch session to the manager of said restaurant you say, but it's Valentine's day! Thanks for the update captain obvious!
   - P.S- an aside from the other blog about people going out to eat. Whatever holiday, special event, or personal accomplishment you are celebrating, you cannot use that as part of your complaint. ie - "My steak was over done and it's my wife's anniversary of her third time quiting Jenny Craig".

I've always tried to have a objective perspective on this day. I mean, love is a curious thing.(Johnny Cash) We only gage Love based off of our previous success or failure. As adults we believe that we are good at relationships, but all of them, except for the current one, have failed. When I look back at all of the perfectly good relationships that I've selfishly ruined, I feel bad. I regret the times I've could've been better. I rue the girls that I could have had a better relationship with, but I threw them away chasing another girl that I didn't stand a chance with. Maybe only a couple of times in my life did I ever think of doing something special for someone on Valentines Day, but I had a Groundhog Day party every year six years in a row. My priorities are a little screwed up. As an introverted emotional writer, but an extroverted loud mouth pervert, I struggle with how a feel a lot. I try to live my life with little or no regrets even if I'm lying about not have them. I hate the feeling of guilt so much. I think more than anything, I look back on this day and think about those that I loved. At one time in my life, I loved them. And to this day I still carry that piece of them with me. They are the girls that I see when I write a script, they're the muse in my short stories, and they give me comfort within my memories. I came to the harsh realization a few years ago that they might not feel the same way, and they may never have, but that's no reason not to acknowledge that feeling. We all know that horror that exists when you tell someone you Love them, and they reply thanks. Love makes you do the worst things possible for fear that you might lose it, and when you do fall out of it, it's a pain that cannot be described. (Actually Ryan Adams does a pretty good job re-Come pick me up)

There are women that I've loved my whole life and it was never about sex, or relationships. Others I wish I was good enough for. And the final group(of one!) that I wished I'd never met because of how crazy I became. I saw our future, our life, our love. She saw other people. I think that each time we fail, or even attempt to love someone we learn a little bit more about ourselves. I remember when my Mom would say that she loved me Unconditionally, and I would just say yeah, yeah. Then the moment I held my daughter for the first time I knew what she meant. I told that story to a friend of mine and he commented he knew what I meant. Then he had his daughter and amended that now he did. Love is that crazy thing that you don't know anything about until you are in it. Then you try to analyze the why and how, but truthfully no one knows. It's not until you weight the option without it do you realize the gravity of it. For Men, it's almost like a shut-out in Hockey....you don't want to talk about it for fear that you might get scored on. For Women, it's like an thesis...they research, discuss, do a bibliography, make notes, more research, compare with others, have trials, analyze, hypothesize, judge, do background checks and rate every situation that has every happened between you. Then if you're really in Love, they give you the answer.

I find myself in relationship now where my much better half puts up with my narcissism, and chaotic behaviour with a smile. Or she's drunk. Seriously, we find strength in our partnership. We understand that being parents is a huge a part of this thing, and honesty might be the other. We indulge in each others personal and professional dreams, and give the space needed to survive. She easy on the eyes, way out of my league, and talks like a slut. When she's too tired she tells me to watch porn, and purchases own tampons and lady thingy's. Every man's dream. The shit part is that I think I'm in love with her. I work with all of these young hot girls, but am too lazy or fat to hit on them. And I like to come home to my family, even if it's a day late. (sorry)


 What bothers me about this day is that we can use it to shirk the duties of our relationship for the rest of the year. (Except the big ones: Mothers day, Birthday, Christmas) I'm gonna leave with a poem written by some Jackass that destroyed a perfectly good relationship with a beautiful woman. Before he fell victim to his selfish ego he wrote this. It's hopefully generic enough to please everyone.  Thankfully she remain his friend, and is one of few that maybe understands his dark emotional scars, but blissfully funny sarcasm...

February Fourteen

Today is like no other
I awake to the sun's morning
It leads me to happiness
then awakened are you

Barely alive, you tackle the stairs
your smile heightens my joy
this day is like no other

We indulge in caffeine and conversation
you yawn, I'm exposed to the mouth I crave
Inside I analyze life, love , and loss
they enter, and exit my thoughts
I can change nothing
this day is not the same

I watch you sleep, still
I feel your eyes in a stare
Your skin is still, like a rose
But your stand is firm
I would be lucky if that changed
But chance plays no part here

As in the day before, I admire you
My distance is at arms length
But touch is out of reach
Maybe you see, and I do not

Imagination opens a delightful scenario
One that lives only there
My lips open and say forbidden words
I shutter at why I spoke
But would cringe if I didn't
Now it hangs between us
Today is different

The sound of your voice
the feel of your body, your touch

This day holds no meaning
it's just a day, as those before it
This day is no different at all
My love was here yesterday too