Aww babies...

Hello Byrdie...

With so much shit in the world, people getting sick, tornadoes in Toronto, and the Blue Jays stinking it up AL east, I'm pleased with one thing....a baby. Now I know that sounds a bit girlie, and it's also not mine. Whatever...

Kevyn, Auntie Elizabeth holding Byrdie, Stacy

So my friends, and one of the only other blogs I follow, have just entered into the shit storm that is parenthood, and I couldn't be happier. In my own special way, I've been awaiting this day with a cheerful grin. Most of my friends have watched me struggle with diapers, give public "time-outs, and say "no" to copious amounts of drugs, alcohol and what I assume were would-be threesomes. And now they have to look forward to jumping out of their seats to pull a piece of plastic out of the child's mouth, while screaming NO. It's exciting! At the hospital yesterday, which was also my son's birthday, I informed the happy parents that I spent the day before scrubbing the shit stains out the stroller. That some of the excess feces had seeped diligently through every open hole and was leaking into surrounding areas. The little man had exploded with crap that had reached the back of his shoulders. And at the front of the seat it had pooled up, and I needed to cup it with my hands and scoop it into a garbage bag. I ran the little dude up to the shower. The murky water needed to be swirled with my foot just to break up enough to get through the drain. Soaking wet, we both collapsed on the bed. His cute little outfit, diaper, the scrub pad, and two dish towels made there way into the garbage. I sat down just long enough for him to reach up and grab a beautiful wine glass from the rack and smash it all over the kitchen.

As I dug pieces of glass out of my foot I thought about what an amazing experience parenthood can be. The discovery, the mistakes, the shoulder-poop. It's all the time, everyday, for the rest of my life. And I wouldn't want it any other way. When that little dude does his high pitched scream, then claps, then the breathy Kelly McGillis-esque Dada, there's nothing better. At the same time the 5 year old practices kart wheels in the living room. Everything I own will eventually be ruined, my heart will be broken when she wants me to drop her off two blocks from the mall. I'll be crushed when he doesn't want to be a rock star and takes up accounting, She'll want to marry some guy that's just like me, but not the old me, the new responsible one. He'll tell me he believes marriage should only be between a man and woman, vote conservative, go to Church, and work for FOX News Canada. She starts a Catholic website that backs abstinence, and protest young drug addicts wanting abortions....

And I'll still love them with everything I have. And if the nightmare I just described actually comes true...It'll be all my fault. I'm their parent. Parenthood is great time to reevaluate your own childhood, and make it better. For me it's not about pressuring kids to be anything other than kids. It's about letting them feel all their emotions whether they're happy or sad. It's about them trusting that their parent (Me) will always be there for them, for anything, forever. Unless they end up on Intervention. The parents always look like douche bags on that show.

Fortunately I have a lot a faith in the new parents. The little beautiful baby has some great people to rely on. I used to always say you shouldn't get married until you know who you are(then stall for the rest of you life), but I feel the same way about having kids. Maybe even more so. When I see a young man gangsta limping down the street, with a nylon on his head, and pants around his thighs, I'm annoyed. When I see him pushing a stroller, I'm pissed off. Quit spending your excess money on rims, and jerseys, and a ridiculously long, fake chain and be a fucking parent. Your image should come a distant fifth next to your kids. Your attitude and how the world sees you as a pimp, shouldn't even apply if you're taking your kid to Disney World, so don't bother giving me the stare down. We're not at a club asshole, It's Chuch E Cheese!

I digress...These two new members to ranting about bad drivers, toys, and poop stories, if they know anything, it's who they are. And maybe even more important, who each other are. They have already nailed down the teamwork part of their relationship, and all parents know that is where a major strain is. They trust each, they honor each other, and they Love each other. I personally don't believe a child needs two parents, because I think I turned out okay.(ps-many people disagree!!) But it certainly helps. It also helps when they both want the same thing. Kev and Stacy have always known that they wanted each other, and now they've opened up that circle to one more. It's a hard road, it's long, and sleep seems to not be apart of it, but it's extremely rewarding. As I sit here and watch my 1yr old ram train cars into his mouth and destroy the paper I haven't read yet, and my daughter has informed me we're watching Toot and Puddle and not the soccer game. I'm filled with joy.

Congratulations guys!

Stacy- you'll be wonderful mother, you have a spoiled dog that attest to that.

Kev- You're life is over! God has exacted his revenge for every slut you banged, and girl you fucked over, by sending a girl. Not to mention that your home hierarchy has just been reshuffled.

The new world order -Baby Byrdie

Stacy (mother can feed baby from shirt!)

Cashius (the dog still needs to walked)

The Entire Kitchen

You

My advice- Buy straws, breastfeeding pillow, bottles of water, sleep in clothes that you can leave the house in, bring the stroller in the house and tie a rope\bungee on it so you can rock the baby to sleep whilst watching baseball, rely on the FAN 590 for all your sports updates...cherish every moment you have with and without that baby, even if it's doing the speed limit on the way home so you can have some me time. The car and walking the dog may be all you'll get for a while.
I love you guys

say Hi at http://www.thebestlifeever.com/

On a related note - Happy Birthday Alexander!!

(Alex in Tony Soprano pose, Elizabeth, Baby Sophia, Al's torso)

Gary Freakin' Bettman

Gary Bettman hates Canadians!

That's the bottom line. That's the only truth that I know about this douche bag. I've never met the man, nor have I ever listened to his radio show(he has a radio show?) His nervous little quirks mask what every die hard hockey fan knows....Gary bettman hates Canadians.

exhibit A - Winnipeg jets and Quebec Nordiques

In the past I didn't have much to say about these two franchises because, I didn't really care. It was a shame that the teams folded and were relocated, but it seemed that they were in dire straights at the time. Not the kind of financial disrepair as they'd become(the Jets becoming the Phoenix Coyotes, arguably the worst NHL team of all time) Now with the wheels falling off the team from the desert, Gary Bettman is doing everything but actually buying the team himself. Getting injunctions, judges, and backroom deals that will ensure that the new owner of the team will stay for a few more multimillion dollar losing years. They reportedly lost over 50 million dollars and now Bettman wants you to stick around for five more years? Then, if it's hasn't become the hottest ticket in town, with Stanley Cup parades every other year, you can move the team. Under two conditions- a)It can't be to a Canadian city where you are almost guaranteed to be successful.
b) you aren't Canadian(because you might try condition A)

The relocation of these two storied franchises from Canada, started a trend in professional sports that can never be undone. Bettman's snub of hockey history, and Canadian traditions have led to other pro sports using the same twisted logic to relocate other teams citing these examples. Bud Selig orchestrated the move of the Montreal Expos in 2004, and three years earlier the lowly Vancouver Grizzlies of the NBA moved to Memphis. American businessman were able to add clauses to ownership that stated that poor attendance would allow them the right to move. From that point it's the simple plan from the movie "Major League" don't do anything that will make the team successful and voila...there's nobody coming to see them. However, both of these situations have had serious karmic consequences. They suck! And not just a little bit...they're the worst. I hope that the Sport Gods* above never allow either of these franchises the slightest opportunity of success. They don't deserve it.

*Sport Gods- the powers that halt the personal success of any athlete that dares to put himself before the team, money before winning, or location\franchise below them. see(ref-e.g.) Eric Lindros, Steve Francis, Tracy McGrady

Exhibit B - ownership eligibility

The thing that everybody who is not an NHL owner doesn't understand is why Jim Balsillie isn't an eligible owner? Does he have too much money? And shouldn't an eligible owner be the one that CAN afford it? It doesn't make any sense. A guy shows up with enough money to make the creditors happy, pay the team and it's staff and give them a new home where they can at least have a chance to sell tickets and he's NOT eligible? I'd like to see the criteria, and see if anyone is! Not to mention that he's the Blackberry guy...the cross promotions are easy. Everyone on the board could get new phones without dealing with some dimwit at a Bell store telling you that you're upgrade is active when your kid graduates high school.

Jim Balsillie seems as much as douche as any other owner in the NHL. But is he douchier than Melnyk? Than Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment? The dudes from Tampa Bay? How could the Molson brothers be that much better of a prospective owner than Balsillie? It appears to everyone having to listen to this crap that this is a stand off between Gary Bettmans ego and Jim Balsillie's pocketbook. Bettman can rally the troops behind him all he wants, his public opinion can only go up, but a good leader admits defeat, so buck up about the Coyotes. If the commish had put even one iota of effort into saving The Jets ,and the Nordiques perhaps we'd have better chance of seeing the Cup come home. Maybe if the criteria of ownership wasn't so many hoops then more people would hold on to their teams. So I applaud Jim Balsillie for snubbing the stupid rules, for giving the middle finger to the procedures, because they are only in place to protect Bettmans fucked up policies. And if it means that there's no owner and the teams have to play on Gretzky's backyard pond, he's going to stand by this team. If Balsillie is at all as tough as my BlackBerry he's not going to let a fall, chewing or a trip through the wash machine won't stop
him.

So what have we learned? Gary Bettman hates Canadians!! Which is weird considering that he's the commissioner of the National Hockey League. He will stand by any decision he makes whether it makes sense or not. 30 other NHL owners are so elite they don't want to be associated with one this generations most successful businessman, even if it would mean advertising, free phones and meeting U2. Teams that relocate from Canada to the US because attendance is low are bad teams, it has nothing to do with the city itself. (Are there Grizzlies in Memphis?)Gary Bettman is more concerned with some sort of integrity rather than the creditors, players, arena, and anyone else thinking they're getting a paycheck this year. And all that's waiting in the wings is a nut case with way too much disposable cash, a new arena, legions of fans, TV revenues, rivalries, free BlackBerry Storms, committed fans, and a rejuvenation of a franchise.

I wonder if Steve Jobs would have this much trouble?