Hrushowy: And then there's.....

Less than a week ago I found myself doing something embarassing. I was alone. It was in the morning. And the TV was on. It was the congressional hearing, featuring Roger Clemens. Brutal. I guess they hadn't noticed that their country has few other problems, and their time could be spent better doing.......something. They got war, economic crisis, and gay penguins! Recently, some congressman want to look into the NFL, and some shit that took place years ago. Money well spent that commitee. I think I get it, Lee Harvey Oswald worked alone, but the The NE Patriots are part of a conspiracy. So I decided that I would ask them to look into a couple of oddities in the world that I've noticed. This is the letter I've decided to send to Henry Waxman.

Dear Congress,

I assume that you are taking ideas and letters from anyone so I've decided to ask for a hearing of my own. It ranges from many subjects, many people, and many outcomes that have affected young children and immature adults alike. First of all I am Canadian. I live in Toronto, Ontario and currently drinking alone in my home. As a Canadian, I feel a part of the American struggle as much as you. Without the guilt of Iraqis dying. Normally I wouldn't find myself watching a congressional hearing( because I wouldn't know how), but when my beloved Blue Jays were mentioned along with suspected cheater Clemens I had to watch. And it was on the TV at my work. On behalf of all Canadians I wish that you would refer to the Blue Jays as back-to-back world series winners when you mention them. After all they were. Many visitors to our fine city from the US don't know that. Canada is quite often a punch line, or the place to blame so you can imagine that we're not to happy that Roger is being investigated while donning a Jays uniform. As if Ben Johnson( 1988 100meter* runner stripped of his Olympic gold for steroids) wasn't enough. Then Bertuzzi hit that Harvard kid. It would be nice if we were looked apon with a good light. Maybe mention two-time MVP Steve Nash every once in a while.

There is a way that you could right the wrong of Roger Clemens for everyone in Toronto though, and it involves hockey. In 1993 Wayne Gretzky high sticked (which is illegal in hockey) Doug Gilmour of the Toronto Maple leafs and NO PENALTY WAS CALLED! This seems right up your guys alley. After all Wayne was playing with the Los Angeles Kings and your from California. Whether you're a fan or not, the truth must come out. Now obviously we can't go back in time and change the outcome of the game(pay attention Congressman Spector!), but what we would like are some changes in our favour. For instance, you could have all MLSE( Maple Leafs Sport and Entertainment) executives fired. They care more about money than winning. Since you guys are so worried about the integrity of sports, and making sure that people are winning legitimatly, so much so as to waste millions on hearings, this would be perfect. These fat cats don't care at all about letting this storied franchise swirl down the toilet. I do. Yet all I can do is boo them and call them pathetic. But you can help! There is also a great draft pick that you could give us for our pain.

And then there's this gay penguins thing. Now I'm not going to be one of these foreigners telling you that your education system is inferior to ours. Or that spending money on Baseball players(that are millionaire) getting called in front of your committee (also very rich people) is futile. But a controversy over a childrens book about two male parents raising and baby penguin is too much. Gay penguins, only in New York! There are so many things to worry about, I wonder if this should be one them . Perhaps if you bring the people that want this book banned in front of your commitee and grill them about their homophobic, twisted version of this award winning book that they saw. I saw a loving story about parenthood. These people saw March of the Brokeback Happy Feet. Are these people even allowed to black list books? Maybe that Paperclips school should give them a lesson on intolerance? By the way Paperclips, great movie!!

And then there's this whole Britney Spears thing. I mean come on. If you guys are worried about the impact that drugs in sports are having on the children what about this train wreck? I'm sure that you guys can bring the entire paparazzi in front of your committee. That dude, her ex-manager, her mom, her dad, her missing panties and lets not forget her underage, pregnant sister. Not that K-Fed guy though, he suddenly seems normal. These magazine racks a flooded with rumours. and making a fortune. Is she crazy, on drugs, or just the poor white trash that everyone thought she was?(it's the latter) You can get to the bottom of this, right? Hearings, interviews on Larry King. Heck, she's one of your constituents, isn't she? Her approval rating is higher than the presidents. (and congress) She rich, and somebody there would probably like her autograph. Finally we can get to the truth about her acting out. Oh my god, what if shes was on HGH? She had that violent outrage against a car, she shaved her head(so did Clemens), and there are repeated pictures of her looking "drugged up". If you think about it there are a lot people that you could bring up before your group and question, at length about their personal lives. And it is within you rights. Sure it's your tax payers money, sure an unpopular war is bankrupting your country, sure nothing will come from these hearings legally, but you did get on mainstream TV. I learned your name and watched for three hours. I even missed Rachael Ray for it. And I thank you.