the In-Crowd

I was talking with old friend from high school and I couldn't help think of the past. High school was such a small part of our lives, yet influential. I wonder why. I don't really remember the first few years and I think that's because I hated them. I was awkward and different, and unpopular. Much like everyone else. In reflection I've noticed that the people that were popular didn't necessarily go on to better lives and some that weren't have. The difference for me is that I was popular in the late stages of high school. People liked that I talked too much, that I acted out, that I thought I was funny. I sang in groups, acted in leading roles, and thought I was really funny. (some things don't change) It was my first sense of fame and the first time that those around me treated me different. People tried to please me by pleasing themselves. I could easily be a novelty to them. I remember when I fooled around with this girl and then one of her friends and no one cared. I admit that I completely took advantage of the situation. I mean I was a kid, do you blame me?

I don't think that we can have perspective on those times until we know who we are. I know that I have friends that still live and breathe by the times in high school. It was almost fifteen years ago and you want me to remember some guy I didn't like back then? Thanks facebook!

I recently heard that one girl that I wasn't dating put the kibosh on me sleeping with another girl because she didn't want to lose her place at the cool table. How does that effect them both? One is having a delusional affair with me that will never be real, the other can fall into a funk perpetrated by lies. Perhaps it will affect her self esteem, her confidence, and the fact that years later we can still look back annoyed that we never, "did anything". Would it have changed her life? Mine? What is for sure is that we are pleased with who we are now. The girl that stopped the encounter I can't speak for. I know that we didn't go on to anything. Such a short period of time in our lives. So many were hurt by it. I think I had givin' up on most of life by then and didn't care what people said or did. That was a huge part of who I became.

I know that we can't go back and hug that kid that we were and make it better. I know that we can't hold grudges against those who wronged us long ago. I know that when I see young kids nowadays, I feel for them. I want to tell them it's okay. I want to tell them that who you are in high school isn't who you are going to be. If you don't want to. You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself. Or others. Or feel it from above. I hope that I was nice to people. I hope that I did look out for others. I wish I did sleep with that old friend, but all of those things may have contributed to who I am today. That's someone who I like, who I rely on, and who others rely on as well. As the years go by you see your friends slip to the back of the room. You find out that you have to like yourself. The next time you see somebody with their pants drooping past their ass, and an over-sized tee shirt, remember they're just trying to be cool. And somebody has told them they're not. Or told them they're fat, or ugly, or stupid, or a slut. In the ten plus years after high school, this is what I learned.