between rut and wrong

I always find it funny when I can recognize something wrong with my own life. You know, you get those moments and say to yourself, "well this is going to suck". Early in the year I was walking the kids to school and noticed the tree with the broken branch had grown. The shredded remnants of wood were almost gone and a new branch was emerging from the fracture. I was quickly reminded of the Inconvenient Truth I spewed to a handful of grade one's about saving the environment. How braking a branch was akin to braking the tree's arm. Blah, blah, blah, they're 6 and don't give a shit. Meanwhile, I'm going over in my head the kind of suburban douche bag I'm becoming, trying to investigate the foliage crime. As we got closer to the school, the kids were up ahead, and I was wondering by myself. I said good morning to the crazy bubble Mom driving her kids to school even though they live a solid four minute walk, I waved to Hot Asian , and shared a smile with aggressive power walking lady. It was a typical morning. Although I usual don't see Hot Asian, I'm usually "guy nodding" to her husband, who I like. One of the biggest pet peeves being a guy is when you think a girl is hot, then you meet her boyfriend\husband and you like him. It ruins the fantasy of saving her, and then sleeping with her.

The walk back from the school is my time. It's the few minutes between dropping off one kid and then looking after the other. I talk to myself about life, think about things to write. I ponder why the people of a small, yuppie hamlet have to activate their car alarms when stopped for forty seconds in front of a Catholic Elementary School. It must be the roaming gangs of car thieving hoodlums....It's then when I get all fired up with something I feel like sharing. As I kicked the frozen sidewalk, I realized how much everything was the same. It was the same as before. The people I see every morning, are the people I see every morning. Was it a rut? When you're in a rut, are you even aware that you're in a rut. I can't help but wonder about the people that start to settle with the life they've found themselves in. No enjoyment, no spark, just American Idol and taco Thursday.

It easy for us to see these things in other people and judge them on it, but rarely can we see the reflection and be honest. The restaurant business can bring a great spectrum of personalities, and relationships. We sometimes can view a true cross section of society. The other night a family of five came in and one of their kids was having a meltdown. All parents know what these are, and there is no question they suck, but they happen. You move on. No one else that has kids is judging the situation, and if they don't have kids, fuck 'em. Eventually it will happen to them and they'll feel like shit too. Sometimes, however, the parents become so embarrassed about the meltdown, they start to act out too. They start saying threats, gritting their teeth together while quietly yelling. There's bargaining, bribing, and bartering. Parenting is hard, I find that lying works(while they're young anyway) During the freak out the father of the family says, "I work all day, and have to come home to this"(I shit you not!!) Boo-fucking-Hoo....way to demean your wife as stay at home mom. Way to insult your kids and the idea that you love them unconditionally. I guarantee this asshole wouldn't last two days at home with these little drunken midgets, then he has the balls to compare his children to some shitty, 9 to5 desk job with two smoke breaks, and a one hour lunch. What bothered me the most is the way he alienated his wife\partner. It isn't a coincidence that the word partner and Parent are so similar. It's not about single parents, cause I know first hand the job they have. And it's not about same-sex adoption, because I'm all for spreading all the love that's possible to spread. But ask anybody, having two parents, no matter who they are, is not important....it's easier. You need to be able to look across the table while the kid is drinking tiger blood and know that you have support. Maybe trade off dealing with the mini-Sheen-like spaz, together.

 It all starts with the rut. We all know people that got together and cured all the problems with their relationship by upping the level it was at whenever it reached total boredom. Rather than being honest with one another, or themselves, they continued to perpetuate something that made them miserable. Moving in together, to getting engaged, to getting married, to having kids, to getting a divorce and then asking you why you didn't do anything to stop them. I'm concerned that, by some karmic kick to the balls, being in a rut is the same as being in Love, you don't know you're in one until you're walking home alone. Are you thinking about your future, or what shows to PVR tonight. Grey's Anatomy is on Thursday, right? But it was the morning and I was sober(ish). Was I reading flyers about snow blowers on sale for next winter? Did we start a vacation jar, did I ever say, "that mini-van is a good price"? Mostly, was I happy? As kids get older, you as a parent start to regain little bits about your life back. You give so much when they're young, but learn more about yourself everyday. Before you know it they're in high school and you an wifey have to spend actual time together. If you've masked your rut for fifteen years, you might be in for a bit of surprise when you realize the person that you're with now is someone you don't like. That can't be worth it. I'm always thankful that T and I have a good partnership, and a decent relationship. We at least like each other during those silent moments, which in this household isn't very often. As I've alluded to before though, I worry about the fact that our family is happy and strong, but have we dug a rut? Do we know how deep the hole is yet, if we have? As fun as scratch and win tickets are, they aren't the answer. Neither is lying down. It's Fat Tuesday, so I think that I'll get drunk....but for Lent I'm not giving anything up, instead I'm going to search for a clue. I try and fight the suburbs as if I'm different, as I'm sure all my neighbors think they are too.

Maybe in 40 days I'll be able to have an answer. Or I'll forget about this entire thing be the time I get home from picking the kids up from school. Oh, Rachel Ray is on...